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10 weird Florida things that COULD happen in 2014

By on January 3, 2014

It is hard at times to take the Sunshine State seriously, as it seems to be at the epicenter of every bizarre news story in almost any given news cycle.  

From giant reptile encounters and man-eating sinkholes to dumb criminals (and politicians like Trey Radel) doing exceptionally dumb things, Florida rarely disappoints by keeping reporters, pundits and news people across the nation constantly amused.    

With a reputation like that, there is only one thing left for Floridians to do — laugh at ourselves.

The folks at Tallahassee-based public affairs firm Sachs Media Group looked in its “cloudy crystal ball” to find a few things just quirky enough to happen in Florida next year.

Here are some of the “10 weird Florida predictions that could happen in 2014” via the Sachs Media blog:

Tebow Makes ‘Run’ for Governor

Native son Tim Tebow – the popular former University of Florida Heisman Trophy winner whose NFL career went from Denver to New York to New England to out – announces in late spring his plans to run for Governor of Florida.

The lackluster contest between incumbent Gov. Rick Scott and ex-incumbent Gov. Charlie Crist creates an opening for Tebow to call an audible, and early polls show a surge of support for the Gator legend, across all lines. When it is discovered that he can’t pass (the minimum age requirement of 30), Tebow is sidelined once again.

Florida Bans Winter

To boost its tourism industry, Florida lawmakers pass a law to extend summer to six months, with a three-month break for fall, thereby banning any “winter” in the Sunshine State.

In their own redux from the title song of “Camelot,” Visit Florida marketers promote that “… the winter is forbidden until forever.” Snowbirds flock in record numbers to Florida’s second summer: December through March.

Kumbaya to ‘No Recount’

When all of the votes are counted in the closest race for Governor in Florida history, Gov. Rick Scott and former Gov. Charlie Crist score an exact tie, with each registering 4,253,656 votes.

Rather than submit to a controversial recount, the two collaborate on splitting the term – with Gov. Scott to serve two years, followed by Gov.-elect Crist’s two-year term. The two leaders call for a new “Golden Era” of bipartisan leadership – and state lawmakers agree to work together for the common good.

(And then we wake up.)

Florida Oranges Get New ‘Squeeze’

To boost sagging citrus sales, Florida orange growers forge an alliance with Absolut to develop a hybrid crop of oranges that are vodka-infused – dubbed the “screwdriver fruit.” The new citrus farms have an adult section – and a family section.

Jaguars Go From Worst to First

Following three straight miserable seasons, the Jacksonville Jaguars shock the football world through a new approach to team-building: Every player grows a waxed mustache like the one sported by team owner Shahid Khan.

“The Boston Red Sox had their beards, and we’ve got our Khans – whatever it takes to win,” proclaimed new Jags quarterback and former gubernatorial candidate/college football analyst Tim Tebow.

Playing as a single unit for the first time in history, the Jags squeak through the regular season and then really wax their foes in the playoffs, winning the Super Bowl behind the rallying cry, “We Khan Do It.”

Tebow is named the Super Bowl MVP after amassing six TDs (3 passing, 3 rushing) and running for more yards – 135 – than any quarterback in Super Bowl history.

Voting: It’s Alive!

After election supervisors find that large masses of dead people have voted in 12 Florida counties, a lawyer representing Florida zombies comes forward, claiming “they are not completely dead” and insisting that courts must reaffirm undead voting rights.

A Census recount is required, and it is discovered that, although Florida is home to 19 million residents, more than 1 million of them qualify as “voting zombies” – with more joining the ranks every day.

As the zombie population grows, so too does a movement for the “Zombie Party” – whose first open political convention in Orlando is boycotted by every elected official and candidate. Zombie PR spokesman Ima Stiff is widely quoted as saying, “We’ll get them all, eventually.”

The entire list of 10 is at the Sachs Media Group website.