Imagine Houghton-Wagman’s brain at work. “If I can just get this picture of Karen Seel and Janet Long standing next to me, that’s almost as good as endorsement. Because someone will follow up and ask them who they are supporting and they couldn’t possibly say they’re not supporting me. So hurry up and take the picture. Wengay, what the hell are you doing in the shot? Why do I have all the weird black guys supporting me? Except for Welch, he’s not weird is he? He’s down, right? Didn’t I give enough to the NAACP? Can Mitch just crop the picture so Wengay isn’t in it? Take the shot, take the shot, J-Lo here is starting to squirm…smile!”
And if you don’t think Houghton-Wagman is just a little bit too weird, with that staccato delivery when he speaks because he doesn’t want to lose you because what he is saying is just so damn important because he sold a lot of cornflower blue paint or because he sends out e-mails about “Sign Monsters” stealing his yard signs. Then watch the video below. It’s not a bad clip because it has both Heller and Justice saying nice things about Wags, it’s just that the clip is set to Van Halen’s Right Now.
Anybody who knows anything about music knows that song is when Van Halen jumped the shark (it’s set to fucking piano. Van Halen + piano = VH1 + loss of credibility + complete cheese). This song is an absolute cheese plate, and anyone not in a high school media arts class knows you do not set a video to Right Now, with its mind-blowing lyrics:
The more things you get, the more you want
Just trade in one for another
Workin’ so hard to make it easy
Whoa, got to turn. Come on, turn this thing around
Enjoy fourth place, Mr. Houghton-Wagman.